I got my heart broken and I survived, I failed 3 courses in university and graduated, I got rejected in the very first job I applied for and got promoted yesterday, I went through hard times with my family but then two years later, we laughed our hearts out over lunch, The closest friends disappointed me several times but I made new friends and loved them with all my heart. I did it once, I can do it again.
I don’t expect sympathy, but I feel like this is the best I can do. I feel like i’ve definitely been hiding and yes it is very personal. It’s more to do with feeling embarrassed. I really don’t feel like myself anymore. I was hoping to make this year so amazing and wonderful that I made myself so hyped about everything. I made myself and everyone around me so hyped. So delusional. Long story short, I messed up, and it’s really my fault. I didn’t assume responsibility for anything. I blamed everyone else except for me, and I think that is where everything went downhill. Things got worse. My whole mood changed and so did everything around me. I started gaining more weight, sleeping more, basically developed destructive habits to the point where I didn’t recognize myself anymore. My way of thinking was self-deprecating. I let people tear me down because i felt like I deserved it. I’ve truly never felt more lonely in my life, and i’ve had many moments where I felt alone. The people who I wanted to support me the most weren’t (really) there for me. Whenever I tried to open up about my mental health, I felt like I was shamed for it. I didn’t want to be seen as a weak person so I hid myself. It’s very hard for me to open up about my depression because sometimes I think it’s me against the world. An outsider. This is all i’ve known! And absolutely no one could relate. it is very uncomfortable and extremely difficult. Maybe it has to do with the way I was raised, or the way I’ve repressed my feelings. I’ve come to a realization that I can’t blame anyone but myself. I’m supposed to be putting myself first. If you don’t think depression is real and that it can’t fuck you up, then you are wrong. No I’m not “dramatic”. It can be deadly and catch you at any moment. I’m learning from my mistakes. I’m paying the consequences but I want to look forward to the future even if I’m alone in it. Easier said than done but I’m trusting myself. I don’t know what the future lies for me. I guess I have to put myself in an uncomfortable place to get to where I need to be. I hope that everyone understands where I’m coming from and won’t take anything personal. I’m only speaking for me https://www.instagram.com/p/BoOAwvgHGt2vl3gJdhJwznDCR59Rv6Kdowa4Kw0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=70lu134h036a
